a pile of random.

Observations from today:

My hands look old.  It's an interesting phenomenon if you'll let me explain.  My hands do not in fact look old.  I'm looking at them right now.  Not old.  However the minute I take a photo of a ring on my hand or I see a photo of my hand: olden, old, old lady, haggard hands.  When exactly did this happen?

Most everything adventurous sounds good to me the day before.  On the day of, said adventure almost always sounds utterly terrifying and I will back pedal like mad to get out of it.  I would like everyone to think I'm an adventurous person but I'm actually a scardy cat in sky divers clothing!

side note on adventure: 

depending on the day, adventure, according to the dictionary of Laura, could be anything from flying off to New York City to going to the grocery store.

I'm finding it fascinating the way the mind works.  For the past couple of months I have not felt like doing a lot of things that I used to do regularly.  Other things I'm doing way more.  For example, I used to cook almost every night and bake once or twice a week.  I would knock off work to go bake bread.  Now I will look up and it's nine o'clock and my poor husband looks faint and I'm like, "huh?"  I just have not felt like being in the kitchen.  Conversely I could put a cot in the studio and work around the clock.  Wonder why our bodies or minds drop off or pick up on things when times are tough?  Any psychology majors out there that wanna tell me what's up with my noggin?

White tile in a house with 12+ dogs is just dumb.

Rain is to Texas as a unicorn is to, well, reality.  

The other night we heard this odd sound and ran outside to see water falling from the sky.  My mom and I stood there going, "can you see it?" "I hear it but I can't see it". "Oh wow, yeh, there it is!  Yep, it's raining!"

Lovely post lady: could you do me a solid and just pick a time that you will swing by my house?  Not a specific time, just a general time.  Morning, mid day, afternoon...I ran to my mailbox five times yesterday, after packaging each order for fear I would miss you!  Utterly inefficient!  You picked the mail up around 11am the day before - yesterday it was sometime after 3:30!  Humph!

And lastly, Seven, my sweet wobbly girl, if you're gonna take your socks off (with their non skid soles) can you do it in the house or on the porch instead of out in the back forty?  If you do leave your socks in the back forty can it be your hot pink skull and cross bone socks instead of your brown stripe socks?  Those are just hard to locate.

           

Ok, that's it for the day.  A big ole pile of random.

Happy, happy Thursday my dears!

what do you live on?

I was combing through one of my old college journals yesterday looking for some metalsmithing technique that I could've sworn I had taken notes on oh, 15 years ago!!!  Every semester our professor required us to journal.  It could be info on things we were learning, sketches, notes from a visiting artist lecture, our inner most thoughts and feelings, you know, what ever, and at the end of the semester we had to turn them in for a grade.  I found it a little intimidating and I never did very well.  It should've been an easy A for me because I like that kind of thing.  Not sure why i was so pitiful at it back then.

Anyway, I was looking through this journal and could not find what I was looking for.  But I did find:

• a xeroxed photo of Andy Gibb that I had glued down 
• a cheat sheet on ring sizing 
• my friend Chris's doodles of metal band logos 
• recipes for metal patinas 
• a note from a beginner student wanting me to teach her to etch in my off lab hours (why did I feel the need to GLUE that into my journal?  I must've been desPERate! for content!).  
• There was a photo of Tom around the time that we met looking like a baby!  
• There was a postcard of Willem de Kooning in his studio.  
• There were sketches 
• lots of song lyric snippets and Rod McKuen poems 
• ideas that never came to fruition and a few that did but shouldn't have.  

It was a big ole mish mash of stuff.  But as I was flipping through, at the top of one page I had written:

 "What do I live on?"

I immediately wrote that exact sentence into my current journal.  What do I live on?  What an amazing thing to ask yourself!  I mean really, there are so many ways you could think about that.

There's the obvious : food

The lesser, but still pretty obvious : love

But then what?  I started really trying to dig deep.  What do I live on?  What sustains me?  What do I NEED to even get through each day?  For me, I've decided that the question can also be put: what can you simply not live without?  What do you live on?

My marriage. My marriage sustains me in the very worst of times.  It is a life vest in times where I might otherwise not care to wake up in the morning.  It makes me proud, it gives me a stable base that I can put everything else on top of, it's the very definition of comfort.  It is everything.

The support from my family.  Sometimes, I'm embarrassed to say, I might take this for granted.  I don't mean to, but sometimes, when you've had something your whole life and you have no clue what life is like without it, you can take it for granted.  I am extraordinarily happy and lucky to have never known life without the support of my family.  And the only reason I even know that this is a big deal is because I have friends who do not have this.  What a bizarre circumstance!!!  My family, and by family I mean my mom, my dad, my best-brother-in-the-whole-wide-world, my grandparents (all of them, then and now), my aunts, uncles, and cousins, from the family I was born into, to the family I got when I was about 13, to the family I married. They ALL encourage me and brag about me to friends (really, they brag about me!  It's nutty!) whether its jewelry or dog rescue.  They tell me they are proud of me.  When I wanted to change majors to get a metalsmithing degree they said "ok" (and paid for it all I might add!)...
they might not always agree with my decisions but they let me make them, and they let me make my mistakes too.  And I learn, and they help me up, dust me off, and push me out there again.  I'm damn lucky.  When I hear about people who are criticized by family for what they do, who they love, their up and downs, I want to say "here, come to Thanksgiving at my house.  It'll all be ok."

My work.  I would curl up in a ball in the furthest corner of a room if anyone told me that I could not do what I do anymore.  I love making. I love taking a pile of ingrediants and turning it into something recognizable.  Whether its sheet silver and wire that becomes a ring or flour and milk that becomes a loaf of bread.  I want to make things.  I need to.  I do literally live on it, both physically and emotionally.  And how insane is it that I do get to actually live on it?

Pleasing people.  I'm not sure if this is good or bad.  But it's who I am, good or bad.
I have this great need to please people.  I'm sure it has a lot to do with why I love making things - when I make something, be it a necklace or a pie, and I send it off, it's making someone on the other end happy.  And, good or bad, I need to hear about it.  I want to know that you loved your pie (insecure much?)!
I just want you to be happy (read with a desperate tone).  

None of this is to say that I don't displease people from time to time!  I certainly do.
And it's like the worst thing in the world to me.  I can't stand it when someone is upset with me!
I literally cannot sleep, I obsess on it.  Tom will say "just let it go!"  Umm, okaaaaaaay.  Well how in the heck do you do that?  Sign me up for that workshop on letting go because I am the thing that comes before novice when it comes to letting go.

Laughter.  I neeeeeed laughter to live.

My friendships.  I have friends that I simply couldn't go on without.  Friends who understand who I am and let me be.  Who don't want more than I have and know i'll give every bit of me when I can.

Coffee.  Don't judge me.

And there are things that I can't live without, but I am.

And then there are the little things, the things I do live on that maybe I shouldn't, but life wouldn't be nearly so fun without them....gummi bears, a 2:12 person to dog ratio, New York City, air conditioning, butter, cream, magnum pi, perry mason, & Law and Order,
yarn, a bath tub, my iPhone, kitchen aid mixer, Miz Mooz shoes,
James Taylor, Lyle Lovett, Van Morrison, and Nina Simone's version of Here Comes the Sun.

What do You live on?

working it out

I have always prided myself on making work that is affordable.  I've believed that art should be accessible to anyone and everyone.  In my case art just happens to be wearable.  But that has been one of the driving forces of what I do.  But lately every thing that I want to do is uber time consuming, like we're talking hours and hours, days and days...not to mention big ole hunks of silver and tremendous stones and time consuming resin design...so these things start to make stuff a tich more pricey.  What's that?  You don't know what a tich is?  Well it's a tad.  But I might be underestimating a tad when I say a tich.  This new work is just flat out more expensive.  So I'm having to reconcile that with the part of my brain that's always said my work has to be in a less expensive bracket.

sterling silver, resin, and a lovely coral colored drusy, the ring band says "strong as an ox"

 sterling silver necklace, resin, a pink drusy, and copper enamel

the back says "if I'd had wiser eyes"

Oh, and meet Vivian Corinne Caldwell.  Vivian, this is everyone.  

Vivianne is my mannequin and she is beloved by all except for those who she scares.  You know who you are.  Joanne.

So what do I do?  Seems like an easy answer.  Do both.  Right?  Weeeeellllllll, yes, maybe.   But I think, in order to afford myself the time to work on these more ambitious, time intensive little sculptural gems, I might need to edit down my other offerings.  

I was perusing my etsy shop a few days ago and I had six pages of items for sale.  Good gravy Marie!  So I'm gonna do a little slash and burn serious editing!  I want to still make the really sweet, personalized bangles and such...because I do truly love hearing all of your dear stories about why you choose for your bangle to say "sidewalks" or why you love the lyrics to that Paulo Nutini song enough to wear it on your wrist...I need to keep hearing about these little moments of your life, it keeps me connected...

the back of a sterling silver necklace, the entire piece includes resin, a pink drusy, and copper enamel

But once i got back to work after losing Clarence in late May I started pouring myself into these more time intensive, work intensive pieces.  I've found it really difficult to talk about how I'm dealing or not dealing with life now.  I feel words climbing up my throat but they won't come out.  It's strange, I've always been a talker, needing to work things out on the outside.  I'm not an internal problem solver.  But this is so different than anything I've experienced, at least how I have responded or how i'm processing it is so different, that I don't really even know how to articulate it.  Sometimes I start to talk to Tom about something and I can feel what I want to say and it's very clear inside of me but when I try to form words to get it OUT of me, I can't make it happen.  It's like there's some force field between my soul and my brain.  I don't know.  I've also never in my life felt this angry.  I'm not a person familiar with anger, its one of my least experienced emotions really.  But I have it in spades right now...

one of my classic giant round resin rings in milky pink

So I've completely rambled off my point which was, what was it?  Oh yeh, I think, for the first time ever, I'm literally WORKING out my feelings.  I work and work and work and it feels good.  My work is such a good friend to me these days.  I can hammer it to all hell, break down mid solder, make it ride out a 14 hour day, I can get frustrated, over joyed, and fulfilled, I can push it hard and when I leave I know my friend will be there for me the next day, or at 5:15am which seems to be the new time my body is saying "GET UP!" These days.   

But this friendship is a two way street!  I'm putting chunks of my soul into my work right now.  I'm stretching myself more than ever, pushing myself to do everything More...think more, sketch more, clean more, file more, sand more, hammer more, fire more, layer more, no cutting corners, slowing down and feeling each step of the process.  

I've posted some of this new work to the etsy shop.  I'm planning on posting the rest this afternoon.  I hope that some (or all) of these babies of mine will find homes with you.  If you do decide to make one yours it will make me genuinely happy (that is such an understatement).  You will be taking home part of my journey.  A very positive part I think.  There is strength in these pieces, there is hope I think, there is a lot of love, and there is healing.  I hope that you will be able to look at the back of the piece you chose and feel, literally feel, Every intention that I had when I made it....you're so cool, I hope you feel cool.

sterling silver and large redish pink drusy agate.  the back says "you're so cool".

I have this whole back story made up of who would wear this ring.  

I'll have to share it with you...

next time

a day full of We.

Curled up in bed just now.  I need to apologize in advance for any typos, Tom is sleeping soundly across my lap and I'm typing with one arm propped across his shoulder.  It's a challenge but I don't want him to move an inch so I'm typing very gently!

I spent the day finishing up a few pieces in the studio.  Tom spent most of the day with me, helping me with a few ideas I've been toying with.  We mixed up a batch of resin so we could play around more with this new idea I have of drawing or painting with resin. We had so much fun doodling in resin.  We ended the afternoon, turned early evening, with Tom rushing off to the shower hollering, "how do you get this stuff off your hands?!?!?"

  We we we we we!  I love the days that are so full of WE!

Tomorrow we will shoot all of the new work as well as a little how-to video that has been on my to-do list for months!  It's gonna be fun!  Then I hope to share it all with you on Monday.

Here's a sneak peek...

       

Hahahahahaha!  I just did a quick proof read...in the first line, before I even acknowledged the probable typos,I typed "inbred" instead of "in bed".  Classic.  I think, since its 2:40am, I might be in need of some sleep!

  G'nite sweethearts, its time to go...

So, I drew a name last night...

First off I need to apologize for the not so nifty photos.  As promised we set about preparing to draw a name around 9:30 so lighting was not optimal.  But I hope you will see them in the spirit they were intended.  There were 45 names to write out and I can honestly say that I enjoyed and appreciated writing out each and every one.  I felt gratitude welling up inside of me.  Reading your comments, the time you took to share your stories, your memories, your ideas, your family history, your plans for future generations of goodie boxes ...well, i wish I could have a goodie box from all of you goodie-box-experts!  And I wish I could make a goodie box for every single one of you. 
I learned in doing this little give away, maybe I should say what I have relearned, is that giving is always better than getting. 
I also hope that those of you who had memories of your own care packages, the ones from savvy parents, thoughtful nieces, grandparents who always want to keep you fed, I hope that you enjoyed recalling these memories as much as I enjoyed hearing about them.
What would make me happy as a clam is if this inspired you to go make a goodie box...if it did will you promise and pinky swear to come back and tell me all about it?!?!

 Please rest assured, because I know this was worrying you into the wee hours, that I was not wasteful in jotting down your names.  Each one went onto the back of a former to-do list of mine, scarily unchecked off I noticed as I cut them up...  I piled them into my very favorite bowl...inside it says:

"I carry you with me...deep within my pocket.....................at the bottom of my footfall........................

in every cloud............that brushes by.........." 

 it was made by a wonderful artist, Kylie Johnson.  I got it shortly after we lost our precious Big Man, Preacher.  I knew instantly that I had to have it and it made me feel better... at a time when noting else really could.  And now it seems a very poetic, perfect spot to place your names.

 So with out further ado...

the winner is...

 >>>>>>>>>>>> elbee <<<<<<<<<<<

Thank you for your very sweet comment about my dad's letter.  

My dad, this particular dad, and I have a, let's say, unconventional relationship.  I don't see him very often

So when he sends these packages I feel connected.

So I really appreciate you acknowledging his kindness.

And I am THRILLED to send off your goodie-box!  I hope that you will either treasure the contents yourself

or

know just the right person to give them to.

I will email you to get your address tout suite!

One last thing, I made a pie.  I am not ashamed to say that Tom's favorite dessert is my lemon meringue pie and since he had been away I wanted to give him a proper welcome home.  And said pie produced a happy by product, or should I say pie product!  ba dum ump!  I'm a terrible joke teller and pun maker. 

Anyway, I made goodies!!!!  

And I will send them off to elbee in the goodie box if I get the address straight away so that they are still fresh!  And if you feel weird eating food from a not-your-own kitchen, I totally get it.  Think of them as homemade cookies for the dog...considering how much I love dogs, that wouldn't offend me one iota!

Thank you, thank you, thank you again.  Thank you to each and every person who visited and commented.  This work path I'm headed down is new to me and I wanted to send the first piece out into the world as a gift.  And thank you to those who shared my little give away and my blog...I write this stuff and often I have no idea if anyone reads it.  But when you do it warms my heart in a big way.

teensy tiny bit of a drama queen

I woke up this morning drag, drag, dragging!  It's the first morning in awhile where I have not felt like working.  Not at all.  Ok, I'm about to share something, don't judge me!  I have the occasional bout with restless leg.  I will pause now for laughter.  But it's true!  I know it totally sounds like a made up thing but I've dealt with it since long before it became a "thing".  After quite some time I finally figured out that mine is medication induced.  Any kind of medication that has something that causes drowsiness - Benadryl, Tylenol pm, that kind of thing.  So I don't take it.  Well last night I took some new thing my doctor gave me for back pain.  Well apparently it has the devil ingrediant in it and it gave me the most restless night that I can remember having. Flipping this way and that, kicking my legs like a mad woman, ugg.  Laugh all you want but it truly is one of the more frustrating things.  And try explaining it, "I can just feel my legs!"  Of course you can, everyone feels their limbs.  "NO!  I can feeeeeeel my legs!"  Argggg!

So I woke up grumpy, tired, kind of hot and cold.  Bleck!  And no desire to work.  I started to worry.  Is my insatiable work apatite fading?  Please no.  I sat on the couch for a bit, wallowing in my worry and fatigue.  After a couple of hours of nearly convincing myself that I had the flu I got up and made coffee. Then I watered the garden, I cut a wild little bouquet of stuff from my garden including some lettuce and mint that I let get waaaaay too leggy, I washed the dishes, I made the bed, I fed Berklie (the cat), and then along came my second wind, or I guess technically it was my first wind of the day.  Tragedy averted.  I made a beeline for my studio and proceeded to work until 7pm.  Then from 7-10 I edited photos and posted items to etsy.   Then, around 11o'clock I made dinner.  Grits.

Can you tell that Tom is out of town?  I am far more dramatic when Tom is away.

<<<<<<<<<< oh, and then this happened >>>>>>>>>>

I went to bed all set to have a very restful night.  I was reading for a bit before turning out the light.  All of the sudden I felt a bug fly into my neck.  I started flailing around to get it off me.  I didn't see the bug but it seemed to be gone.  I read a bit more then went to turn off the light.  That's when I felt it.  THEBUGWASINMYSHIRTANDITWASAROACH!!!!!

If you know me at all you know that aside from losing a loved one roaches are my GREATEST fear.

I flipped and flailed and screamed and gasped and hyperventilated!

I know it's a bit irrational but I am terrified of roaches.

Give me a snake, a spider, please give me a rat!  But roaches?  Why are they here??  E-gads they are awful!  It was horrifying.

So much for my restful night.  

<<<<<<<<<< oh, just one more thing >>>>>>>>>>

I am doing the drawing tonight when Tom gets home.  So I will announce the winner tomorrow.  Swears!

a dog of dreams

Last fall, I think it was last fall, my wonderfully nutty best friend called me about a pregnant dog in a shelter near Dallas who was set to be euthanized.  She was in a complete tizzy.  If I remember right she had promised her husband that they would take a break from fostering for a bit...and now she wanted to take a majorly pregnant pit bull.  Real easy to adopt out (read that with as much sarcasm as you can muster)!  I discouraged her.  Not because the dog was a pit bull, not because she was three hours away, not because she was pregnant, but because I like my friend's husband and I want her to keep him.

The next day I get a call and all I can hear is squealing children, oh-my-gosh's, and just total ruckus.  Then Kim says, "you there?"
Me: "Yes.  What did you do?"
Kim, sheepishly: "We got her."
Me: "Are you serious?"
Kim: "YES!  She was going to be put down TODAY at 3:00 and she might have these puppies while we drive home!"
Me: "Do I hear the kids?"
Kim: "yes, my mom and both the kids drove with me.  Oh, hang on!!!!"
Me: "Is she having the puppies?!?!?!?!"
Kim: "omygodohmygodohmygod!  she just had diarrhea all over the back of the car!"

This is how Hannah Blue entered Blue Dog Rescue.

She didn't have her puppies that day, it was a couple of weeks later.  I think she had 10, only one baby didn't make it.  She was an amazing momma.  Perfect with her puppies but willing to let people hold them and interact with them.
All of her puppies have long since been adopted but Hannah Blue is still waiting.

She's not my foster dog but I've been babysitting her for the last couple of days so I am experiencing her first hand and I've decided something: there is not a sweeter dog on this planet.  She is so full of sugary sweet love that she doesn't even begin to know what to do with it.  It shoots out of the tips of her toes!  I can see it in her face as she runs around looking for a place to put it - she wants to share it with me, with my cat, with any of the other dogs (who are all old as the hills and want none of her bounty of love!).

Yes, she's energetic.
Yes, she's a pit bull.
Yes, she's strong as an ox.
No, she is none of the bad stereotypical icky pit bull stuff.
Yes, she is ALL of the good stereotypical pit bull stuff.
Yes, she's a bit of a handful but you will never meet unconditional love like this.  Not ever.

Sweet Hannah Blue, you deserve a home that will think you hung the moon.  A family that will put your Christmas stocking right next to theirs.  You deserve a precious little girl to put her princess crown on your head and try to paint your toe nails. You deserve a soft bed and kind words.  You deserve someone to love you so much that when you leave this world one day they won't know how they will ever live without you.  I want that for you sweet Hannah Blue.

It's my birthday and I've got a goodie for you!

I've decided that it's time for a little class participation again.  It's been ages since I've done any kind of give away.  I've been doing all this new work and I just want to share it.  I'm super anxious to get it out there into the world.  I decided that my birthday is the the very best occasion for me to give You a gift.  I made this necklace just for this purpose and I'm over the moon about it. It felt good to start a piece with the intention of giving it away.  I found that I put a whole different kind of energy into it...I have to admit, once I finished it I was so happy with it that I briefly considered keeping it.  But that was never my intention, I want to give her away and I've got a few other goodies to send along, some yummy chile powder my dad sent straight from New Mexico, some pretty paper that I've been hoarding, just some bits and bobs...

The focal piece of this necklace I hand cut from a sheet of silver and then built a little frame to hold the resin that I hand pigmented and "painted" (a new technique I've been playing around with) into the sterling silver, oxidized cavity.  Hanging from a silver bar is a bit of copper that I hand cut, hand formed, and then enameled.  This piece is very representative of the new way my work has been going.  I have several new pieces that I will post to the etsy shop tomorrow morning.

 

 Sterling silver, resin, copper, and enamel.  She would be $225 but I'm giving her away because its fun to just give stuff away sometimes!!

Two quick stories to explain the randomness of this, my gift to you...

My dad (I have two dads.  and I never differentiate when I'm talking about them.  I always just assume that by the context of what I'm saying people will know which dad I'm referring to.  So good luck with that.)  So my dad sends me these amazing packages.  They are filled with the most random stuff your little head can dream up... one box might include some freshly ground chile powder (I will be sharing this with one of you!), an old, disassembled vintage rifle (is it legal to ship firearms?), a vintage fiesta cup and saucer, an itsy bitsy pocket knife shaped like a high heeled shoe, a little leather pouch (that I'm sure he made from some animal he, ahem, killed) filled with Susan B. Anthony dollars, some old photos of my grandparents, an old Altoids tin filled with sterling silver scrap (from where???), some teeny tiny drill bits, and a card, with a picture of one of his dogs or horses on the front, a sweet note, and a two dollar bill tucked inside.   This is how I learned the proper way to make a goodie box.

 My most recent box of this 'n that!

 Now, how do I know what qualifies as a goodie?!?  When I was a little girl my Nana made pies all. the. time.  The best pies you've ever tasted, all from scratch, no recipe, just pinches and handfuls of this and that.  But there was always left over pie crust.  She would roll the bits and scraps out into a thin circle and then sprinkle it with loads of cinnamon and sugar, then roll it up and bake it, she'd slice it into little rounds and they were scrumptious!  She called them goodies.  Goodie might be my favorite word.  It reminds me of my Nana (who I miss tremendously every single day) and its the little left over thought that gets turned into a star. 

Me and my Nana.

So now that you know the definition of a goodie and the very best way to create a goodie box - I would love to know what your dream goodie box would hold.  Or if you are already an expert goodie-
box-creator, tell me what you like to tuck between the layers of smudgy newsprint. 

Just leave me a little comment here (and your email address so that I can give you the good news!) and your name will go into the drawing.  If you wanna enter twice, yes, two times the chance to win the goodie box, just share the link to this post on your facebook page then come back and tell me what a wonderful sharer you are!  I'll randomly choose a winner by writing down all of your names, tossing them around in a bowl, and have Tom close his eyes,  reach in and choose the winner winner chicken dinner!

Thanks y'all!

ps   I'll close this little drawing on Wednesday (August 7th) evening and let you all know who has a package headed to her, or his, doorstep!

unexpected kindnesses.

I got this box in the mail today.

The address label said "please read".  Normally I would rip right into the box but when I shook it I could tell it was chock full of bottle caps saved for who knows how long and loving mailed to me for these!  So since I suspected the contents I went for the "please read".

Then I stood in my dining room and cried my eyes out.

Sometimes people amaze me.

Thank you Joi.  much love.

I feel charming

I've been working.  And working and working and working.  And I love it.  I've skipped into the studio on a few occasions.  In fact I've developed my own superhero version of The Flash zoom, zoom, zooming, right fist in the air, left leg kicked out, jaunt into work.  I've always loved my work but I've been injected with a ginormous surge of want for more, a creative burn, a soul satisfying, nose to the grind stone kind of push for work lately.

I was bopping around the house yesterday singing to myself and possibly out loud just a bit, "I feel charming, oh so charming.  It's alarming how charming I feel!"  And it occurred to me that "I feel charming" wants to be on a Buoy necklace or ring.  And so does "I feel pretty"!!  Quick on the heels of that thought came "why on God's green earth are you singing that song?"  I did not like that movie.  Not even a little bit.  There.  I said it.  I did not like the movie West Side Story.  In fact, when I tried to watch it I specifically remember having this thought: "this does not even fall in to the category 'you paid for it, you have to watch it'".  Right about now two of my oldest and dearest, Kim and Natalie, are cussing me up a blue streak.  When Kim and I lived together she cleaned house to either West Side Story or The Sound of Music.  I was much more inclined to help on Sound of Music days!!

So, are you cussing me too?  Or are you saying "what the heck is a Bouy necklace"?  If you're cussing me, I'm sorry.  I don't know what to do about it other than to make a couple of pieces in ode to this overrated movie.  But if you're asking about the Buoy, that I can help with!

At the time that this urge to work began to intensify I had this pretty little pink druzy I wanted to turn into a pretty little ring.  But as I dreamt up the setting it wasn't my typical setting and as I finished it it begged for more so I soldered the word "heal" to the back.  The back.  Not the front.  The back of a ring so that no one but the wearer will see it.  I showed it off a little and got some truly loving words of encouragement from Tom and from my dad.  I knew I wanted more.

I enjoyed the little pink druzy ring for a day...while hanging out in the yard with The Business Man.

I wanted to put the words I need whispered into my ear onto the pieces I'm sending off into the world.  I want to make work that takes me days, work that gives me fits, work that flows out of the tips of my fingers, work that is rich with texture...work that has a secret.  I want a strong ring that oozes confidence but quietly whispers its message to its person because they need to remember that they're pretty or that they are strong and that they're healing.  They need a buoy, something to cling to.  So began the Buoy series.

This ring is oxidized sterling silver with a giant, beautiful agate and a little vintage plastic cabachon.  On the back I put the words "I want to live again".  This baby is gonna is gonna make his home here with me.

These pieces are new for me.  I'm spending hours, days even, on each one.  It reminds me so much of college when we would spend weeks on one project and then have group crit where everyone put their work in the center of the table and we all gathered around to let the criticizing (or praising) commence.  I dreaded those days!!!!  I am a people pleaser by nature (gigantic understatement).  I do not like confrontation or uncomfortable situations.  Seinfeld is my least favorite show EVER because its very bedrock was the uncomfortable situation!  Anyway, making this labour intensive, time intensive work again does take me back and I am realizing, a little too late, that putting my work out here for all to see is a bit like those college crits.  You are free to judge and/or criticize.

Oxidized sterling silver, rich olive green resin studded with aqua, a handmade clasp, and a snippet from one of my favorite songs "I hope that everybody can find a little flame.  Me I just say my prayers and then I light myself on fire and walk out on the wire once again."

I threw all the bells and whistles at this large scale necklace.  I ran her through the rolling mill, oxidized her, filled her with resin and finished her off with links of chain that I made by hand, each and every link, cut, soldered, formed, hammered, and sanded.  "Try to try.  That's all."

I'm aiming to get this new work loaded into my etsy shop this week, that's the goal.  But I might have to wait until "I feel charming" is ready to join the rest of the crew!

trying to find my way back

I'm trying to find my way back here.  I've been away for a bit.  I have felt that in order to come back here (I say it like its a physical space) that I would have to post about what happened, about losing my boy.  But I'm not ready to do that.  Not even close.  But I missed being here.  I have had things I've wanted to put down somewhere, things and thoughts to share...but here has been a hard place to go.  It's like a room with a closed door that I haven't been able to open.  But I have all this stuff.  And I realize that I've grown rather attached to you, to sharing with you.  And I have all this stuff.  Its not all heavy stuff.  I've got some cool new work I'd love to show you...so I'm putting my toe in the water, I'm venturing in...

Please forgive me if this seems disjointed and reads like you've skipped a chapter.  It's me who skipped a chapter.  I hope that I will be able to write it one day.  In the mean time I'm getting out these thoughts or musings that have been tumbling around in my noggin for the past few weeks.  It might be a little diary-esque.  I apologize.  I just kinda need to get it out and put it somewhere, on a shelf out here in the webosphere.  Maybe you will read, maybe no one will read.  This is quite possibly entirely for self indulgent little ole me.  But here I go...

I've had loss before. Four in the last 20 months in fact. And loss my whole life, like anyone who lives a life. My grandfather, grandmother, my brother, great grandmother, another great grandmother, my aunt...a dog I called my sister, my first cat and other childhood pets....and that's just the loss of death. There is other loss.

But none compare to this. It's not to say I love Clarence more or them less. It's not that. It must be a perfect storm of circumstances. All these things rallied together to make this the hardest (when I say hard I mean rock hard, like concrete, the hardest hard there is...it's the largest expanse of a rock hard parking lot...), it's the hardest loss I've felt. And there is no moving past it that I can see. No getting through it or over it. There is just learning how to live with it as a new member of the family. Because it is. It's always there and it takes up physical space. It's the strangest thing, they seem contradictory of each other - loss and physical space. But I know now that they can be the same.  
I've never understood grief until now.  That's not true.  I've grieved.  I guess what I didn't understand until now is that grief isn't uniform.  I've struggled so much with how differently I've responded to this...I've felt tremendous guilt for not doing the things I did with past loss.  But the thought of doing some of those things (like posting about it here) is utterly paralyzing.

It might be different one day. I can't see it now, but maybe it will. For right now this is our life. And I'm trying to figure it out. I'm trying to learn, each day, how to be and how to get through it as well as possible. Even good when I can.

The hard part is the people in my life. I'm sure they are ready for me to be back. I'm not sure when the me they knew will ever be back. I feel awkward around people who know me.  I feel weird talking about frivolous stuff but I don't want to talk about anything serious.  I just do not know how to be. 
I feel like I've been whittled into something so small that I have nothing to give them.

I feel this need to apologize for this. That part, the apologizing-worrying-what-everyone-thinks part is definitely the old me, the always me. I feel like people probably think I'm being overly dramatic. God forbid they might even be thinking or saying that awful sentence "it's just a dog.". (I really kinda hated even typing those words)
But things happened in a way, each little stone laid out on a path to this outcome. If even one stone, one event, would have been placed differently this might all be different. Either physically different or emotionally different. But the choices we made, the path we took, the outcome we got...it has left me broken, full of red hot anger with no way to fix it, no where to put it. So I'm just living as best I can. I'm working.  I'm working A LOT.  I'm working because it's THE thing that helps.

My grief is my grief.  It's all mine.  It is profound and it's mine.  It will last forever I assume.  And that is why I am whittled down and that is why I need to be a hermit, even more than before, (for a bit) and I need that to be ok.  

my one word

 A couple of weeks ago I pulled myself together and finally managed a blog post.  I don't know if you all read it, if you did you remember my story about meeting Faith, Preacher's twin, in the Dallas clinic.  Since meeting her the word faith has been kind of my go-to word when things start to go haywire or when I am having particularly low moments.

Unfortunately things have not been going any smoother since last I posted.  Clarence had to "sit out" of radiation for two weeks while we tried to figure out if he had a gastric ulcer or major kidney issues.  There was a particularly low day where one vet told us his kidneys were failing and used words like "hospice" and "make him comfortable".  Tom got in the car and drove him straight to Dallas after that for an ultrasound and we learned that that was not the case.  But it made for a few wretched hours.

My point in this post is not to whine about those moments but to share the way I've gotten through them without heavy sedation.

Several weeks ago, before meeting Faith, before going to New York, back when he was still on chemo...he was at the clinic here getting what would be his last dose of chemo.  It was a particularly scary time because we had just learned that the tumor was growing and causing kidney issues.  Tom had gone to an art installation called Architects of Air with some coworkers.  I was at home working and worrying.  My phone buzzed and it was a text from Tom with a picture from inside the installation, that said "Had a really good moment right here.  I felt like I could feel his treatment working today.  I love you."  I think I literally fell back into a chair.  A wave of emotion came over me, it was an overwhelming feeling that everything was truly going to be ok.  I don't know how else to describe it with out sounding SUPER cheesy, but I felt like something bigger than me was telling me that things would be ok.  I had a good cry and tried to get back to work.  I had been working on a necklace that had a line from the movie Miracle on 34th St. - "Faith is believing in something when common sense tells you not to."  I just sat there reading and rereading that quote wondering what the chances were that I would just happen to be making that necklace at that exact time...so I promptly got up and painted the quote right on the wall in my studio then and there.  I knew I needed to have that quote at the ready, I needed to see it often, and remember it.

So with all that said, I'd kind of forgotten about that quote.  I know!  How did I forget it when it was such a huge moment for me?!?  There it is, smack dab on the wall right above my desk, but I haven't "seen" it in weeks.  Today I got an email from a customer about a charm I made for her several months ago.  The charm read "Trust" and it was her "word of the year".  Maybe you have heard about this new trend to choose a "word of the year" in lieu of New Year's resolutions.  I have had several customers order their "words" on various pieces of jewelry over the last couple of years but I've never thought to ask where the idea comes from.  For some reason I decided to ask this particular customer about it when she placed her order a few months ago.  I hadn't heard back from her until today when she sent me a link to a website that describes the theory behind the "one word".  She also sent her blog post describing how she chose her "word of the year".  The whole idea is to not make this long list of resolutions that you may or may not keep and set yourself up for failure but to instead choose a word that you want to apply to your life.  Reading about this idea made me think about Faith the dog.  Since meeting that dog I cannot tell you how many times I have said that word over and over and over again in my head.  I have whispered it into Clarence's fur, I have chanted it out loud, I have prayed that word.  That is my one word.

Shortly after this email exchange with this customer Tom called me.  I was telling him about the whole "one word" thing and he said "Isn't that the word in that quote on the wall in your studio?  The one you wrote that day?  When did you write that?"  And the whole thing, all of it came tumbling into place.  That day that Tom texted me, the day I painted the quote on the wall, that was weeks before I met Faith in that Dallas clinic...to quote my friend Joanne "there is no such thing as coincidence."

I know all of this may feel very cheesy.  I feel sort of cheesy even typing it.  But if you asked me to pick a "word of the year" it would never ever have been the word faith.  The word has lost some of its impact for me, it's on all kinds of plaques and, I don't know, it just feels over done.  I am not a very religious person and I don't want to get all syrupy here, but all of these "moments" individually, and especially all stacked up together, they make me feel a connection to something.  That something is getting me through, it is making me believe in the choices we have made, it is giving me the strength to get over another hill.  It gives me faith. 

the long and winding road

 On my "to do" list everyday : Blog post!  But every day it gets shoved down.  Time has been an elusive thing lately, but I think my subconscious might be trying to tell me something.  Back when Preacher went through chemo I was On. The. Ball.  I posted after each and every round of chemo and kept up with updates fairly regularly for the year and a half after chemo wrapped up.  I do keep wondering why I have been unable or unwilling or unmotivated to do that now...time? too emotional?  too overwhelmed?  all of the above?  Check!

When last we "spoke" Clarence had finished round three of chemo.  A whole helluva lot has happened since then:

• Round four of chemo and we were still in a good place, thinking we were cruising along.
• shortly after round four an ultrasound revealed that the tumor had grown and was blocking the ureter to his left kidney.  We were told he only had a few weeks left.
• we switched chemos but with out any success
• after much research and discussion we decided to fly to NYC to have a stent placed through the tumor into the ureter to save his kidney and allow us more time to fight  (very few places, like four, do this stenting and the folks at AMC in NYC invented it, so that was the best place to go)
• Tom and Clarence flew to NYC, met the fabulous doctors at AMC, specifically Dr. Berent, his surgeon, and had his stent inserted with little stress.  Tom met with a radiation oncologist there and we began to see that radiation was our best next action.
• at this stage we had some amazing friends insist on doing something to help us raise funds.  Enter Clarence's Go Fund Me page.  People have been beyond amazing and I continue to be overwhelmed with their kindness.
• shortly after flying home from NYC Clarence and I drove to Dallas, TX to meet a radiation oncologist and discuss IMRT radiation (sadly Austin has no veterinary oncology). 
•  There, at VSNT Clarence and I met Dr. Cook and received a CT scan to make sure there was no spread of the cancer.  He got the all clear, thank goodness. 
• The plan was set:  21 treatments, three days a week (T, TH, S) for seven weeks.  He was scheduled to get his first radiation treatment the next day.  Lots 'O driving in our future...

As I was walked out of that treatment room that day I saw this amazing dog standing in a doorway of the clinic.  She stopped me dead in my tracks because she was the spitting image of our precious boy, Preacher.  I think I stuttered to the owner "Can I pet your dog?  She looks exactly like my dog."  She asked about him.  It felt good to tell his story, there in this Dallas cancer center.  Her dog is 12 and has bone cancer.  She was emotional, I was emotional.  She seemed appreciative to hear of Preacher's success with treatment, but sad that he was gone now.  He doctor came in and I said my goodbye's.  But I quickly turned to ask her name as I left.  "Faith," her owner said, "her name is Faith."  I think I just barely made it to the restroom there before sliding to the floor.  I had the most overwhelming feeling that Preacher was right there just whacking me over the head.  I could not have had a bigger sign if it had been in neon above my head.

 After completing the first three rounds of radiation we came home to more outpouring of love from our wonderful friends.  My incredible friend Kristin set up a benefit for our boy.  A beer tasting for a large group of folks.  A wonderful couple who didn't even know Tom and I prior to this day, offered up their gorgeous home and we spent the afternoon enjoying the Texas sun, some yummy local beer, and great company.  It was one of my favorite days of all time.  One of the attendees, precious baby Stella, came clad in a tshirt that turned my waterworks on full force!

 After his weekend of fun it was back to reality.  Unfortunately the vets found another little mass that they aspirated.  We had high hopes that it would be nothing but no such luck.  Its a very long story that speaks to what a dreadful disease TCC is, but I won't bore you with the details.  Suffice it to say that it is not the cancer spreading, it is the cancer "seeding" in a new spot, probably transferred there by a medical instrument during surgery or a needle aspirate.  So we needed a surgery eval to determine our next step.  It was decided that he would get radiation on Tuesday, surgery on Wednesday, radiation on Thursday, and then home.  So the boy and I checked into a hotel in Dallas and prepared to start our three days.  Unfortunately before the surgery his bloodwork showed some elevated kidney values so the surgery was put on the back burner.  Happily after a day of fluids his levels hopped back into shape.  So, that brings us to today.  We've tabled the surgery for now, he will get his radiation today and then we head home.  He will come back on Saturday, check his blood work, get some fluids, get some radiation, and head home.  Same plan for Tuesday.  If he continues to be stable we can discuss surgery again.

Through out all of this Clarence has been a trouper.  Whether he is taking his first plane ride, jumping on a train, or adjusting to hotel life, he takes it all in stride.  And everywhere he goes people seem to fall in love with him.  Apparently he has his eye on a cute Boston Terrier up at the Dallas clinic!

I'm sure our path may sound crazy to some folks, who knows, maybe everyone thinks we are crazy.  I worry that people might think we are doing too much, that we are putting Clarence through too much.  But we have set up some checks and balances.  He has a team of doctors that we consult with regularly.  My number one question is "Is this going to be hard on him?"  Tom and I regularly discuss C's comfort level and make sure we are in agreement for every next step we take.  Bottom line, as long as he has a quality of life, is feeling good far, far more than he is feeling bad, then we will continue to fight.  As long as he still wants to play sneak-a-kiss with me, as long as he still wants to chase our pit bull with full force, as long as he still tries to dig a tunnel to China via the couch cushion, as long as he darts out the door any time it opens, as long as he is willing, we will continue to fight.

round three

 To begin with - seriously, is he not the cutest thing you have EVER seen?  I mean really!  I tell him all the time that he must've stole some other dog's "cute" because he just has way too much!
I would love to say that round two of chemo went off with out a hitch, but it actually kind of sucked.  It has taken me back to Preacher's third round of chemo which was so scary and made us second guess all of our choices.  But after round three Preacher just breezed through chemo, so I am so hoping that the same will be true for Clarence...is it too much to ask for successful cancer treatment with two dogs, twice in a row?

 I think we were lulled into a false sense of security by how well C handled round one and by how well Preacher tolerated chemo...so when C began to act a little "off" it scared the pants off me.  His bloodwork showed that his white blood cell count had tanked, he was nauseous, lethargic, and depressed.  Seeing him like that was heartbreaking and made me think "what the hell are we doing?"  Then just when we thought it couldn't get worse we found out that the tumor is already growing back.  It feels like we can't catch a break.

So we are switching chemo drugs, plus we've added another med that apparently has shown good results specifically with TCC.    In fact he is currently at the clinic awaiting this new chemo...I would love to think that we are "due" some good news, but I know that the world just does not work that way.  But I am still praying, hoping, and digging deep for every ounce of faith I have to focus on the positive.  My friend Kerry told me yesterday that worry is a form of negative prayer.  I love that, but its not real good news for me since I am a giant worrier!  So I've got to find a way to reign in those scary thoughts that creep into my head.  I have to believe that we can get in front of this thing.  I've adjusted my expectations - in the beginning I fully expected us to cure him...now what I want for him and for us is some happy, comfortable time.  Now don't misunderstand, I will still take "cured!" and run with it!

So, for today, can I ask for prayers?  positive thoughts?  well wishes?  for this drug to be the one that works for him?  I just would love to think that there is a whole pile of people out there sending positive thoughts into the universe for my boy today.  I believe that it works, I believe that it heals.

In the midst of everything that is going on with Clarence (which pretty much consumes all of my thoughts) I do still have to work.  This weekend was the Cherrywood Art Fair.  I LOVE this show!  This is my 10th year to participate.  I had a new booth dimension that had me a little nervous but I ended up loving it!  And as much as I wanted to stay home with C, curled up on the couch, it was good for me to get out, visit with amazing customers, see some friends, and just get my mind off of things a little.  It was a fun couple of days.

I have had my busiest year since beginning Metalsgirl.  I feel very, very fortunate.  As I mentioned before, right now I would like nothing more than to just hang out with Clarence 24/7 so some days I get really anxious about the fact that I am working 12, 15, even 19 hour days.  But chemo ain't cheap so I am grateful for the work.  Still have those chemo fund grab bags available in fact!  I can push through the next couple of weeks and then in January, Clarence and I (and Tom and the other pups and cat too) might have a two week long movie marathon curled up on the couch with a fire and an endless cup of hot tea.