Wednesday, December 12, 2012

round three

 To begin with - seriously, is he not the cutest thing you have EVER seen?  I mean really!  I tell him all the time that he must've stole some other dog's "cute" because he just has way too much!
I would love to say that round two of chemo went off with out a hitch, but it actually kind of sucked.  It has taken me back to Preacher's third round of chemo which was so scary and made us second guess all of our choices.  But after round three Preacher just breezed through chemo, so I am so hoping that the same will be true for it too much to ask for successful cancer treatment with two dogs, twice in a row?
 I think we were lulled into a false sense of security by how well C handled round one and by how well Preacher tolerated when C began to act a little "off" it scared the pants off me.  His bloodwork showed that his white blood cell count had tanked, he was nauseous, lethargic, and depressed.  Seeing him like that was heartbreaking and made me think "what the hell are we doing?"  Then just when we thought it couldn't get worse we found out that the tumor is already growing back.  It feels like we can't catch a break.

So we are switching chemo drugs, plus we've added another med that apparently has shown good results specifically with TCC.    In fact he is currently at the clinic awaiting this new chemo...I would love to think that we are "due" some good news, but I know that the world just does not work that way.  But I am still praying, hoping, and digging deep for every ounce of faith I have to focus on the positive.  My friend Kerry told me yesterday that worry is a form of negative prayer.  I love that, but its not real good news for me since I am a giant worrier!  So I've got to find a way to reign in those scary thoughts that creep into my head.  I have to believe that we can get in front of this thing.  I've adjusted my expectations - in the beginning I fully expected us to cure what I want for him and for us is some happy, comfortable time.  Now don't misunderstand, I will still take "cured!" and run with it!

So, for today, can I ask for prayers?  positive thoughts?  well wishes?  for this drug to be the one that works for him?  I just would love to think that there is a whole pile of people out there sending positive thoughts into the universe for my boy today.  I believe that it works, I believe that it heals.

In the midst of everything that is going on with Clarence (which pretty much consumes all of my thoughts) I do still have to work.  This weekend was the Cherrywood Art Fair.  I LOVE this show!  This is my 10th year to participate.  I had a new booth dimension that had me a little nervous but I ended up loving it!  And as much as I wanted to stay home with C, curled up on the couch, it was good for me to get out, visit with amazing customers, see some friends, and just get my mind off of things a little.  It was a fun couple of days.

I have had my busiest year since beginning Metalsgirl.  I feel very, very fortunate.  As I mentioned before, right now I would like nothing more than to just hang out with Clarence 24/7 so some days I get really anxious about the fact that I am working 12, 15, even 19 hour days.  But chemo ain't cheap so I am grateful for the work.  Still have those chemo fund grab bags available in fact!  I can push through the next couple of weeks and then in January, Clarence and I (and Tom and the other pups and cat too) might have a two week long movie marathon curled up on the couch with a fire and an endless cup of hot tea.