my sweet boy.

I knew the day would come when I would have to write this post. There were even times when I would think about what I would say. But then I would put it out of my head because it was far to dreadful to imagine. But now I'm here. And I can't put it out of my head because now, now it's real. I'm not sure how to write the things I need to say. I can barely see the key board because of the tears. I have no idea how to adequately put into words how amazing, how precious, how loved, how goofy, how regal, how adored, how everything Preacher was and is to Tom and I. The thought of life without him is staggeringly painful. And yet we've made it now 11 days.

We lost Preacher early on Thursday September 22nd. It was fairly sudden. Tom and I were with him, just the two of us. He took the hard decision out of our hands...something I will be forever grateful for and in awe of. As difficult as it was, and it was excruciating, I was able to hold my baby and feel the last beat of his heart.

I've had a hard time making sense of everything. I want to be angry, but how can I be? I was able to share his life with him. We were given and incredible amount of time with him. I'm trying to make sense of everything. Trying to understand how he was just here... I'm trying to hold on to memories, think about the good things, but I'm not quite there yet. I'm having a hard time finding any relief in much of anything just yet. But I know that I need to find a way to be happy. I need to find a way to feel normal again, just like we did with every milestone we passed through Preacher's life with us.
This was from the day we brought Preacher home. I just crack up looking back at these photos! I forget how much pink he had on his nose when he was young. And over the years we marveled at how he never seemed to age...but looking back at these early pictures, his gray was so much darker. I guess you just never notice a white dog going white. To me he just looked more regal the older he got.

These were also from that first day. I wrote about that day in a recent post...when we first loaded into the car Seven wanted nothing to do with him. But by the end of the day I think she was more attached to him than we were.
It took us a little longer to bond with him. I remember the first day at home with him. He was laying on the couch and I sat down next to him and he growled at me. I hopped up and went to tell Tom. He sat down next to him and got growled at too. We were kind of freaking out. We didn't want to return him but we also didn't want an aggressive dog. After a little while we figured out that he just was not a snugly boy. There was no aggression behind the growl, it was just his way of saying "Hey, if you are gonna sit here then you might as well pet me, if not then scoot over and give me some space!" Tom figured out quickly that our new addition meant he was now relegated to the floor! Up until the day before we lost him I would use that as a way to gauge how he was feeling - if he growled at me it meant he was feeling good enough to give me attitude, no growling meant he didn't feel good.
I love this photo of he and Berklie. Berklie adored, absolutely adored Preacher. Back when Preacher could still jump up on our bed that is where he would stay when we were away from the house. And Berk would lay with him, groom him, rub back and forth under his chin. This 130 pound dog and this 12 pound cat were the best of friends. When Preacher could no longer jump on the bed Berklie followed him out to the living room to sit with him on the couch. Every night Tom, Preacher, and Berklie would share the entire couch while I was over in a chair with at least six other dogs!
Our first Christmas. I had no intention of being in this photo but Preacher had no intention of sitting with Santa alone!
The Mighty Texas Dog Walk aka the time when Preacher unloaded what looked like 20 cans of pumpkin before we ever made it out of the gate! Poor Tom was having to set give-away dog bowls around Preachers nervous diarrhea like safety cones.


I love this photo because it marked the return of his apatite after beginning chemo. It was a mighty exciting day around our house!
He was not a cuddler, so these moments were precious. It didn't matter if the blood flow to half my body stopped, I would not move until he was ready. We took every bit of snuggle time that we could get.

I think there are three reasons that I have made it through the last 11 days.
one. We have THE best family and friends in the entire world. They have all treated this with the gravity that it is for Tom and I. We've received flowers. People have cooked for us. Lots of sweet cards. Texts every single day to see how my day is. Listening to me cry and crying with me. Sitting with me. Donations to Blue Dog. And more.
two. As much as I have wanted to get in bed and not see the light of day for a good long time I know that that would be no way to honor my boy. I need to live my life with all the joy that he brought to me for 12 years three months and 16 days.
three. I have never believed in Heaven as much as I do now. I cannot believe that I will never see my baby again. I just can't.

There are so many of you who have read my blog over the years. I don't kid myself. I know that Preacher was why. And I thank you for every time you read about him and wished him well. For every comment you made. There was something about this dog. People lucky enough to meet him would want to come back to get their "Preacher fix" - you know who you are! People who knew him vicariously through Tom and I felt like they knew him and were rooting for him. He just had a way of drawing people to him. I have to pinch myself sometimes because I was lucky enough to be his mom.
Preacher,
I love you and I miss you more than I ever knew was possible. I still scoop your food out in the morning and walk into the kitchen to get your meds. I'm terrified of forgetting the way you smell, the way you feel, the way you sound... Someone I met while dealing with your cancer told me that one day I would be able to feel you by my side again. I am dreaming of that day. I got your name tattooed on my wrist the other day. It gives me something to rub when what I want is to pet you. I'm trying to figure out my feelings from one minute to the next but the bottom line is I miss you terribly. You made it too easy to love you. You filled up our lives so much that now there is a Preacher shaped hole in our world. Thank you for letting me be your mom. Thank you for fighting so hard and giving us these last two extra years. Thank you for making it easy on us in the end. Thank you for being the bravest boy in the whole world. I love you Big Man.
love,
your mom

round 17

Well, Preacher had his 17th round of chemo today. And it was his final chemo - at least for awhile. We still have to decide about maintenance chemo and I suppose there could be further treatments down the road, but for now we are done! Whew. I can't quite believe it's been six + months. We have been through so much and I think we have handled it pretty darn well.

I might sound like a broken record but I can't possibly say it enough - Thank You. Thank you for your comments, your grab bag purchases, your e-mails and phone calls, your advice, your shoulders to cry on, your trips with me to the oncologist - so many of you have done so much and everything, everything from the comment on this blog to the hand holding in the vet's office, it has all helped and made a difficult time so much easier. Thank you.

Don't think for a second that this means I'm gonna stop the Preacher updates! He has quite the fan club now (I think it's going to his head!) and I will keep you all in the loop with info and photos. I wish there was some way for all of you to be able to meet him - I feel sure you would fall in love. Everyone who meets him does. My friends like to whisper, in case the other dogs are listening, "you know, Preacher is my favorite." I know. He has that effect on people.

Good News!

Got the call from the vet just now - it's all good. Looks like it was benign and they got all of the tumor out. Now that we have the good news I will fill you in on some of what I purposely left out before - the tumor was on his penis. Lovely, right. Poor guy. Anyway, worse case scenario was he would get "it" taken off and he would get girl parts. So, needless to say we are relieved on many levels. Thank you for all of your good thoughts and well wishes. You're the best!

And another bit of good news: Preacher has his last official round of chemo tomorrow. We're pretty clueless on what to expect from here (even though I have read everything I can get my hands on) but we'll meet with his oncologist and find out where we go from here. I can hardly believe it's been six months since his diagnosis. It's pretty amazing. To say we feel blessed for this time we have had is an insane understatement.

So, go kiss your puppies or kitties and enjoy every minute you have with them. They give us so much more than they ever ask in return. I know there's a lesson to be learned in there.

round 16

Our boy is doing great. After all of the drama and scares of last week we are all finally resting easy. We got through the Thanksgiving week end fairly well. It was up and down but he did seem to be making progress each day. Then Monday and Tuesday were both great days. He went in for his regularly scheduled chemo today and not only did that go well but the oncologist felt like what ever mystery injury/disc disease had happened has resolved itself. ahhhhhhh, is my big sigh of relief.

In two weeks he has his last round of regular chemo before we meet with the oncologist to decide where to go from here. Do we stop chemo all together or go to a maintenance schedule? Whatever we do it will be what we feel is the best action for Preacher.

For now I am going to go sit by the fire and watch him sleep. It's amazing how much peace that brings me.

Preacher update

Just wanted to let everyone know what's going on with our big man. We took him to his oncologist this morning. He was concerned that the cancer was back and in his spine or central nervous system. The oncologist just called with an update. They did xrays and everything looked normal. So it still could be anything from muscular skeletal, to ruptured disc, to cancer. But something is causing a fair amount of pain in his lower lumbar area. So for now he gets to come home and be on some heavy duty pain meds in the hope that he gets progressively better over the next couple of days. If he does not improve or gets worse then we go get a CT scan and have to talk about the possibility of surgery. Not sure how Tom and I feel about that given the cancer and his age, but we'll just have to see.

For now we are hopeful and are choosing to be positive and believe that he is a big goof ball and over did it with the play on Sunday and, like his mom would do, injured himself with a very small amount of exercise and physical exertion!

Thanks for your well wishes, positive thoughts, prayers, love, everything!

round 15 and a icky day so far

So round 15 of chemo was last Tuesday and I was remiss and didn't post anything right away. I think I have said this before, but when things are good it is easy to forget to update on his progress and it's surprisingly easy to begin to feel like nothing is wrong. Unfortunately we had a reminder this morning that everything is not fine.

Preacher had an amazing day yesterday. I brought a toy home for Vincent and Preacher promptly snatched it up and started racing through the house with it. Tom threw it to him a couple of times, he jumped up to grab it, he spun himself in circles, he was just a nut. He was Preacher six years ago - not old man Preacher. So when he started pacing last night and acting uncomfortable we were really surprised. This morning he didn't want to get up, when he tried he fell off of the couch. Tom came home and we took him straight in to our vet. They did blood work and our hope was that he just over did it yesterday and with some rest and pain meds we'd be a-okay. But his blood work showed an infection.

Our vet called up Preacher's oncologist and they discussed everything. It could be a couple of things: he has an odd, random infection and antibiotics and pain meds will fix him right up OR he has come out of remission and the cancer is in his central nervous system. It's too soon to know what that would mean - but don't think I haven't already tried to get everyone to tell me the long-drawn-out details of every possible scenario - for now we wait. We give the meds 72 hours to work their magic. If in 72 hours he is significantly better then that is a great indication that the cancer is not back. Of course waiting 72 hours is sheer torture.

We've known all along that lymphoma is terminal. We are realistic about the fact that he is 11 years old. But none of that is making this any easier right now. The past few months have lulled me into a real false sense of security. and now I am scared. Please send our boy some good thoughts and well wishes. Your support has certainly helped more than you can know. Now, go kiss your dog or your neighbors dog.

round 13

Preacher had his 13th round of chemo this past Friday. It was time again for the big daddy chemo drug so he was feeling a little poopy for a few days. Not a great apatite. But tonight he ate all of his dinner. yay! He's so funny - he's so much more interactive than he has been in years. I was working today and he came into my studio looking for some attention, which I readily gave him. Then I went back to work. But he wasn't done so he kept hitting my elbow with his head - this would be funny and cute if I wasn't pouring resin at the time! But I am pretty sure the rule is: if you are going through chemo you can do pretty much anything you want and you don't ever get in trouble!

round 12

Yesterday was round 12 of chemo for Preacher. This weeks drug was vincristine, which he has done really well on from the beginning. Thankfully it is the most frequently used drug he has been getting. But this week wasn't quite as easy on him as past weeks. Maybe we've gotten a little too relaxed about this whole cancer thing, I don't know. But he has had a little upset belly and frequent trips outside if you know what I mean. We've been cooking up the hamburger again and he's eating that. So hopefully this was just an itty bitty hiccup and he'll feel better tomorrow. Keep him in your thoughts and I'll pass on some extra hugs and kisses.

round 11

Well I guess it's a good thing if things are going well enough that I forget to write anything on chemo day. But I guess that's why I forgot. So chemo was Tuesday. Tom took him in because he was home from work because we both have the swine flu. Yes, the swine flu. And yes, I did just have the "regular" flu just a few weeks ago. So poor Tom, fever and all, took happy-go-lucky Preacher in for chemo. It was actually time for the 25 pills that we give at home but he gets blood work and an exam anyway. And all is well. With Preacher. Tom and I however are just a couple of coughing zombies. It's really pretty insane. I was lucky enough to get some tamaflu...quite possibly the last box in the area Walgreens, I kid you not! And boy am I glad that I got it. I am getting better much faster than Tom. Poor guy.

Anywhoo, Preacher is great. We are on the mend. Life is good.

Updates and blog winners and ACL, oh my!

So I am a very bad blog contest runner. I promised to pick a winner on Friday and I never announced said winner! So, drumroll please...Janice, you are the winner of a lovely pair of concave disc earrings! Just send me your address and I will send them off to you lickety-split! Thanks to everyone who participated. It was fun reading all of your suggestions and very helpful!

Now for the Preacher update: No chemo this week. Hallelujah! But we did go in today to have blood work done just to see how he responded to last weeks chemo and to just verify all is well. Blood work looked FANTASTIC! Yippee!! And the wonderful news is that we are officially on an every other week schedule. I cannot begin to tell you how thrilling that is. And we don't have to even go in for blood work ... we are free and clear for two whole weeks! This is exciting for so, so many reasons. Most importantly because he doesn't have to go through it - the stress of going(it totally poops him out -see photos!), the mild nausea, etc. Second, it means that the chemo is right on track and he has responded almost as well as he possibly could (except for the week three upset). Third, one less week to worry about chemo reactions. And four, financially - I am not complaining about cutting out a weeks worth of vet costs at all! I know I have said it a bajillion times, but thank you all so, so much for your thoughts and prayers. I know, I absolutely know it has helped.

And last, I am in manic mode getting ready for ACL. I worked until midnight last night. I won't be doing that every day because I would be useless by the time ACL hits, but I am sure there will be several late nights and long days in my short term future. If you are coming out to ACL please stop by and say HI, I would love, love, love to see you!

Happy Tuesday everyone!