Wednesday, April 30, 2014

time to put my guard back up

So I think I had lulled myself into a bit of a false sense of security where this blasted cancer is concerned.  It's a fascinating thing, the way our hearts and minds deal with ongoing trauma in our lives...I've been coasting off the good news/outcome of my Dad's surgery for months now.  And it was easy to do really.  The surgery went better than expected and then all there was to do was wait for him to heal before then next step: chemo and radiation.  So that waiting period felt darn good.  The 16 hour surgery was only 12, the doctors felt they got everything, Dad was up and walking sooner than expected, it really all went so, so well.

But now we are on the cusp of treatment (unfortunately it's been postponed two weeks due to a little unresolved fistula at the trache site) and all that relief and breathing easy is out the window!  I went from zero to high alert in one conversation with the doctor.  Not because anything was really very wrong, just because the post surgery high is gone and the pre treatment low has set in.

A couple of weeks ago I spent a day or two binge reading an amazing blog: Teaching Cancer to Cry.  And having read that I am now even more apprehensive about how hard this is going to be for my Dad...and what if its too much?  What if he wants to stop?  I'm scared.  I know he must be scared.  And the bugger of it is he can't really communicate... No voice box = no talking.  He is trying to get the hang of the artificial larynx, but it tough.  So that's a whole other level of difficulty that I just hadn't prepared myself for... I need those heart conversations that give him the will and strength and motivation to keep going... 
It's just all a work in progress.  I think.  I hope.
So any spare good thoughts you have lying around, prayers, wishes, I will happily, greedily take them all.
Much love.

ps do yourself a favor, go to Teaching Cancer to Cry, find the earliest post and start reading from the beginning.  It should be published.  It is honest, hilarious, brutal, chock full of love and hope and fear...it is the blog of a friend of a friend, his name is Ezra Caldwell.  he started the blog as a way to keep his friends and family in the loop on his cancer...it is his account of his battle with cancer, remission, recurrence, remission, recurrence...it is a blog on bicycles and cooking, hurting and healing, humor and love....it's just amazing!  Go now.

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