Finding balance at 42?

I'm 42 years old.  I have a question?  When do we figure it all out?  How to balance it all?  Work, family, friends, self?  And those are just the big important things, what about all the menial things that go along with being an adult like laundry, grocery shopping, yard work, vet visits, house cleaning...I mean really, when is it that I am supposed to have time to clean the baseboards?

Having a teenager in the house adds a whole new level to this question of balance.  And the thing is, she's not hard!  And she helps out.  Yesterday she and I did a whole pile of yard stuff that has been in desperate need...I am pretty sure the neighbors were about to have a come-to-Jesus talk with Tom and I about the yard.  So , she's a good kid...I just have to think about things like school lunches and another set of clean sheets and I need to be "on" a lot more than I used to.  Know what I mean?

So, tell me: at what age do we get it all figured out?  I just need a rough estimate so that I can have an idea of how much longer I have to feel like I am just flying by the seat of my pants through life.  Like I said, just a rough idea...

In the mean time I mostly keep my head down and work.  Work, work, work.  That is my coping mechanism.  Work.  So here's the recent product of my coping:

Can you tell I'm kinda going through an aqua phase?

Okay, I will sit back, eat my bonbons, and await your answers to my questions.  Or I will go into my studio, close my door, turn on my Magnum pi, and forget anything else exists while I await your answers!

@ABGB Today! 1pm to 7pm

https://www.facebook.com/events/1449702881931957/
Music by Bob Schneider, Jon Dee Graham, Scrappy Jud Newcomb, Matt the Electrician, Steve Poltz, Billy Harvey

flipped

February 8, 2014

I've been sitting here searching for words, the right words...the problem is that there are too many stories to tell, too many thoughts in my head.  But the thoughts are half thoughts, one begins and another thought interrupts...  I'm flitting from worry to hope, from sadness to regret, from fear to denial, from panic to relief...

Just three weeks ago I simply could not believe that we had lost another one of our babies.  I don't know if its normal or if it is some kind of self preservation or if its just just stupidity, but I always believe that things are going to be okay and then I am surprised when they aren't.  I feel like I should have learned to expect the worst, but I don't, I still expect a happy ending.  When Clishy made it through her ruptured heart valve I believed we were out of the woods...losing her knocked me flat.

I started to come up for air, using my work as a beautiful distraction, and hunkered down to recover.

But it was short lived.

Now I'm lying in a hotel room in Albuequerque, New Mexico.  Because five days ago my dad had emergency surgery and was diagnosed with cancer.

Before I could get to him my brain was going wild.  Every senario was chasing through my head.  Apparently when you can't see and hear things first hand you make up your own story of what's happening.  My stories were all over the map.  Of course I was scared.  Any time you hear the C word it's terrifying.  

The night before I got on a plane it hit me: I might lose my parent.  Of course I had been scared of him dying, but I hadn't thought of losing a parent.  Do you get the difference?  It's just not something I had ever thought of before.  I would be in this world minus one of my birth parents, like being half an orphan.  I'm not explaining it well, but I doubt it's explainable...it's just the realization that you could lose a parent...it was awful....

           

February 22, 2014

My life got flipped, turned upside down.

The theme song from The Fresh Prince of Bel Aire will not leave my head.

I'm home, my Dad has since been jetted (literally) to Houston from New Mexico for treatment.  And my Dad's wife's 17 year old daughter has come to live with Tom and I.

My fingers would fall off before I could possibly explain it all...but we are making it work.  My nerves are racked.  Mainly from the sheer number of things going on each and every minute of each and every day.  I might have a plethora of dogs but I realize I have built a fairly calm life.  So this new chaos is a challenge for me.  I'm working on rising to the occasion.

I want my Dad to get well, I want Dana to be happy here with Tom and I, I want to be able to work, I want Tom and I to be okay, I want my dogs to be healthy, I want to be able to take deep breaths, I want my family to be proud of me, I want to see my friends and get a big, long, comforting hug, I want to take a bath and read a book...I want a lot, don't I?

My little Clishy Marie Shew

Sometimes life happens so fast that you don't have time to process what is happening.  Sometimes you don't realize that you've just had your head down and you've been barreling through with a little force field around you, just getting through it.

Picture me, head down, leaning forward, inside a bubble, just pushing forward.  That's been my last few weeks.  It wasn't until I got a little distance from the things that have been rushing up that I realized its full gravity.  

I called the vet a few days ago to ask a few questions...this was the vet that initially saw Clishy Marie when we took her in...during the course of this conversation he said the words "she died" or "she was dead" five times.  I knew that she had "crashed" and that they had to do CPR and that they "brought her back" but I didn't think of it in those blunt terms.  She died.  Throughout her stint in the hospital I was terrified, but I didn't let myself think about what could have happened.  But hearing those words, I didn't have any choice but to think about it...for a split second I felt angry.  Angry that it happened.  Angry that we almost lost her.  But then I was flooded with relief and gratitude and love for my little girl.

Things have changed since she came home.  She stays super close to me.  She sleeps in the bed.  She clamors into my lap the moment I sit down.  She even looks at me different, maybe its my imagination.  Everyday I look at her and I think about how close I came to losing her.  And I feel so unbelievably lucky.  I kiss her cheek, I kiss the top of her head, I tell her I love her, I tell her how precious she is...
and I tell her not to leave me.

Oh Christmas.

I love Christmas, I really, really do.  But there's a lot of pressure at Christmas, for Christmas, FROM Christmas.  Does everyone feel that?  Not just the gift giving pressure - that is just silly, we all need to get over that!  I'm talking the bigger pressure, pressure to have fun, pressure to enjoy yourself, pressure to be happy, pressure to take it all in, pressure to be in the moment, it's a lotta dang pressure!  I do it to myself every year.  I love Christmas and I have this HUGE desire for it to be perfect!  I want to wrap the perfect gift, bake the perfect food, watch Miracle on 34th Street, It's a Wonderful Life, and the Family Stone, in that order.  I want to have baking day, sit by the fire and stare at my Christmas tree, drink eggnog every day, drive around looking at Christmas lights, go see the latest holiday movies, I want to Do. it. All.  But I can't.  And then I'm left feeling a little disappointed when it all comes to a halt on December 26th.  See?  Pressure.

And this year was rough going in.  I knew I would constantly be thinking about this time last year...

And then, three days before Christmas, Seven had a seizure.  

Scared the bajeezus out of us!  Tom found her lying on her side on the porch, stiff and drooling.  We flew, in total panic, to the emergency clinic not sure if she'd had a stroke or a seizure... Turns out it was probably a seizure.  I'm scared to think about why she might have had a seizure, but for now we are gonna pray for no more seizures and be grateful that our 16 year old girl recovered and is back to her stubborn, ornery self!

Then, two days before Christmas, Tom woke me, holding our little Clishy Marie Shew, 

saying he was leaving immediately for the vet. 

She was breathing really weird, loud and raspy.  The diagnostic process was rough, in fact they had to stop trying to diagnose her because it was causing so much stress that she went into cardiac arrest and they had to do CPR.  When they stabilized her we moved her to a specialty hospital.  There they diagnosed her with a ruptured chordae mitral valve.  She was in heart failure.  She  was in the hospital for five days.  We almost lost her twice the first day...the doctor update that first evening was dire.  Tom and I spent that entire night in our clothes, camped in the living room, in paralyzing fear of hearing the phone ring...but each day after that terrifying night seemed to get a little better.  Now our little girl is home, not out of the woods, but home.  She now has her very own internist and cardiologist!

So this Christmas, the actual week of Christmas, was a whole new kind of pressure and stress.  And it put all of that other pressure in perspective a little bit.  I hope I learned something.  I hope that next year I can enjoy the things I can do and let go of the things I can't do.  I want to try to redefine what the holidays are about for me...I know me though, and I'm still gonna have to watch Miracle on 34th Street.  There's no doubt about that.

Same ole same ole bottle o' wine

Don't we all have those people in our lives who we'd like to get something special for but the budget is kinda small?  You know who I'm talking about:

Neighbors

Coworkers

Hostess gift

Kid's teachers

the staff at the vet/doctor/salon...

Friends at the dog park

...and you've given them the bottle of wine in the red velvet bag for the past three years.  It's time for something new!  And I have a couple of ideas up my sleeve.  

First idea:

Confituras!  My friend Stephanie is a literal jam genius!  I'm not kidding.  She comes up with flavors that are just made to go together and she gives you brilliant ideas on how to use them - from savory to sweet.  I'm promise you, her jars of jam beat that tired old bottle of wine every single time!  Perfect for a hostess gift, for neighbors that have a pile of family coming in, great for grandparents who just don't need a thing...you could give this jam to anyone!

My second idea:

My very own saint bottle caps.  These babies had a very humble beginning - when I was making resin pieces I would always have left over resin and I just hated throwing it away.  One day I had a thought - "wonder if I can put Tom Selleck's face in a bottle cap with resin?"  The Answer was YES!  And then it just spiraled...and I really do think that the saint version of these caps could be the answer to some of your gift giving needs.  They are super inexpensive at just five dollars and they can cover a wide variety of people because they can be used so many different ways:

St Francis for all of your dog friends

St Blaise for your vet

St Christopher for your travelers or the niece who just got her drivers license

St John Baptist de la Salle for the teachers

St Gerard for the new mommas out there

St Joseph for the dads

St Luke for all the doctors or artists in your life

And the list goes on and on and on... They are great stocking stuffers, great tied on packages, or jut give them as the gift itself!  Again, this beats the bottle of wine...I'm telling you, a dog lover is gonna be so excited to get something they can share with their furry friend!  

And if you just insist on the bottle of wine, think how cute it would be to tie one of these around the neck?

Happy holidays y'all!

Still moments.

There aren't too many quiet moments this time of year, are there?  I was just emailing back and forth with a couple of different groups of friends trying to plan some time together and it's like no one has a spare moment.  And I am probably the most guilty of all.  I sound like a broken record because I say this every year, but its hard to have your busiest time of year during the holidays, especially for someone like me who is such a Christmas dork!  I love it ALL!  I think I'm one of the few people who doesn't mind the stores putting out Christmas stuff just after the Fourth of July!  

So I have to find the still moments where ever I can.  Those quiet times where you can stop and just take it all in, enjoy where you are and who you are with.  It's hard to remember to do it when everything around you is all sorts of hustle and bustle.  But those moments are precious.  They are the ones I would like to slip into my pocket and treasure.

So in the midst of your list making, your frenzied shopping jaunts, the holiday party circuit, the marathon gift wrapping, the mad dash to get the stockings hung and the tree trimmed, the panicked search for THE perfect gift, the sheer pressure of it all, don't forget to find your still moments...sipping egg nog and watching Miracle on 34th Street (the best Christmas movie of all time) or bundling up in your robe looking out over a dark, frosty morning or plopping down on a curb after shopping with the family and just appreciating the fact that you have family you actually really enjoy being with...

Don't forget...

Family.

My family kinda rocks.  

That's just all there is to it.  A couple of days ago my grandparents and my aunt, uncle, and cousin drove in from Kansas...about a 10 hour drive.  And promptly after finishing dinner, that very evening, we all sat around the dining room table and priced my jewelry.  Yep, that's what we did...using the tiniest price tags on the planet I might add - notice the amount of squinting going on?  I was in a bit of a panic getting ready to load into one of my biggest shows of the year so instead of letting me head off home to work they put themselves to work.  My grandmother was kind of a rock star!  Not only was she determined to finish before heading off to bed, she was also a bit of a ram rod!

So today, today and every day, I am very thankful for my family.  Big, giant, monster hugs to every single one of you!

Happiest of Thanksgivings to you.  My hope for you this day is that it is spent with someone or someones that you love, that you get to fill your belly with at least one piece of yummy pie, that you are toasty and warm, and that you feel loved and thankful on this, my very favorite holiday.

edit:::: 

I'm late in sharing this with you.  One of my classic "I could swear I hit 'publish'" moments! Good grief! 

 But the sentiment is the same.  It's just Happy Monday instead of Happy Thanksgiving! 

Getting out in front of it...

The holidays are officially here!  Well, at least they are at my house.  Considering that I'm already knee deep in silver wire, saw blades, steel wool, packing tape, pliers, files, sand paper...it means that I've gotta do things a little early.  For years we had the tradition of buying our tree and putting up all the glitz on the Sunday after Thanksgiving.  But about four years ago I had to spend part of that Sunday working...and the tree sat all season with exactly ONE ornament on it.  I kept meaning to finish, but I felt guilty taking time off of work...but I was so sad to be "missing out" on any part of the merriest time of the year!  So now we just start early, simple as that!  And the great thing is - we get to enjoy it all just a little bit longer!  

So that's one thing I do to get ahead of the rush, what are your secrets?

ch ch ch changes...

My parents are moving.  

They've been in this house for 29 years...to say that I have not been handling the impending move well would be the understatement of the century.  I grew up in that house, I got married in the back yard, my brother came home from the hospital there, I spent my last Thanksgiving with my Nana there, several precious pets are buried there...the house just feels like a part of me.  So it's been hard.  I have not dealt with it in the best possible way.  I've carried baggage, and until quite recently haven't been able to comprehend the words: 

"let go".   

BUT, like it or not, it's happening.  So I've spent the last two days at the new house helping with the unpacking and putting away of it all.  29 years makes for a fair amount of acquired stuff.  I am very definitely a stuff person.  I have a lot of stuff.  I like stuff.  I need my stuff around me.  My stuff makes me comfortable and happy.  I like vintage stuff and stuff with memories attached to it...but in the end stuff and houses are not people...my family is where my heart is...and as long as I'm good with my family,
I can let stuff go...I think.  I hope.  I'm trying.

So, spending the last two days knee deep in books and knick knacks has meant being away from the studio.  And to tell you the truth, it's been a nice little break.  

But today I am back at it...I have a  lovely pile of these to make...

...and I have a few one of a kind rings like this one all cued up and ready to finish up!

Now I just have to dive in and hit the holidays hard!  I've got inventory to build up, gifts to buy and make, decorations to dig out of the pit that is our garage, supplies to order, and I've got a whole list of ideas and goodies and gift ideas that I wanna share with you...oh my!

What are YOU doing to make sure the holidays don't bowl you over?

sweet 16 beautiful girl

My beautiful girl turned 16 years old today.  She might not be able to hear real well, and she might be blind in one eye, and her back legs may not always cooperate, but I'm nearly certain that she thinks she's sitting pretty at about three years of age.  She has been a joy and simultaneously driven me bat s&#t crazy for all but 9 weeks of those 16 years and I wouldn't have it any other way.  And even though she would choose Tom over me 999 times out of 1,000, I still adore the ground she walks on.

Happy birthday Principessa!  I love you.

The Girlie Show

I've been scurrying around like a frantic little mouse the last couple of days just trying to make sure I have everything I need...'cause tomorrow the little brother and I load up the car and head to Oklahoma City for the Girlie Show!  This show is even more fun than the name sounds!!  The show was was the brain child of three zany women who wanted an art show unlike any others...something not-stuffy, all girlie artists, fabulous foodie caliber food (think delicious sushi in peeled back sardine cans!), female dj's, roller derby girls skating in and out of the crowds offering to booth sit, and entertainment that is off the chart (imagine burlesque meets cirque de soleil!)...if you can imagine all that then you might have an inkling of what the Girlie Show is all about.  For the past three years I've had to pinch myself that I've been lucky enough to be a part of it.

                  

Sadly, after 10 years, the girlies are calling it quits after this last her-ah!  I'm not sure why they've decided that all good things must end, but I'm betting that means that they have pulled out the big guns for this final show!!  And I cannot wait to see it!  So if you live anywhere near OKC you should try to come by.  The show is Friday November 1st from 7-11 and Saturday from noon to 5.  I'd truly love to see you!

Oh, and I haven't even mentioned the AMAZING girlies that I'm sharing the stage with, like my friends Jen Ramos, Victoria Corbett, and Liz Potter.  And a young painter that I just cannot stop going on about, Tessa Raven!  And so, so many more!

Come see us.

From zero to sixty...

Just a couple of weeks ago I was freaking out that the holidays are upon us but now I've got the bug.  I actually found my self singing Christmas carols today!  I know, that may be a little over board but I do loooove the holidays!  This is my very favorite time of year.

But since Metalsgirl has (happily) grown a little each year I find myself with less and less time to enjoy the merriment, less time to get the gifts bought and wrapped, less time to just get my Christmas s#%t together!  So in an attempt to eek out every moment I can I'm determined to be organized with a capital O.

Last year as December raced towards Christmas Day with lightening speed the orders flew in.  And the closer it got to The day the more orders rolled in...two feelings accompanied them: gratitude and fear!  I was petrified that there were simply not enough hours in the day to get everything made...so I've tired to drum up a couple ideas to get us all organized, proactive, and feeling ahead of the game!  Who's with me?!?!?

All week, each day, I'm gonna share with you a gift idea for a different person, or persons, in your life, some kinda coupon goodie, and some other do-dads guaranteed to make you jump for joy!  (Warning: that may have been a slight exaggeration.)

So, what to get your best friend?

I've had the same best friend for 36 years so I always want my gift to her to be thoughtful, meaningful...not saying it always is, but I always wanna shoot for that.  When we were kids we had a club: The Smurfettes.
There were a whopping three of us in said club.  The symbol for our club was three apples drawn sitting on top of one another (the height of a Smurf).  So last year I made her one of my personalized bangles that said "three apples high".  Super personal and full of memories.  

It's a good gift for any friend really: 

• all your momma friends with their kiddos names

• your childhood friend with a sweet recollection

• a favorite song lyric shared by your bff's

Just get creative!  It can be just about anything.

Soooooo, just to get you motivated to get a jump start on the gift buying or even if you are one of those people that is almost done with shopping that makes the rest of us wanna smack you and you need one last gift to be all done...either way, here is a Coupon Code for today only: FRIENDGIFT
Just hop over to my etsy shop and use the code during check out to receive 20% off of your entire purchase.

Tip 'o the day: the Container Store!  

Get your buns over there and get all your wrapping paper! 

I have an issue with perfectionism in certain areas (while other areas I am lacking severely in that particular, um, issue.  Too bad we can't spread perfectionism out over our lives a bit, eh?).  So, when it comes to wrapping gifts I can literally spend hours and I like good, quality, cute paper.  So there.

Best. Paper. Ever.

Best. List. Ever.

Sometimes the best things are unexpected.

The last few months have been rough.  I've been doing my best to "power through it" and "put on a brave face" and "fake it til you make it" and all those cliches that mean that underneath you feel pretty crappy but you are doing everything you can not to let on.  I want to feel different and I think everyone probably either thinks I DO feel different or that I SHOULD feel different.  But its just not real different than it was 22 weeks ago.  Except that I am able to put on that brave face.  I am able to laugh.  I'm able to talk to people.  But underneath is always an undercurrent of ugg.  Ugg = weighed down, hurt, anger.  

Here's the deal, the reason I'm sharing is to really make sure that you get the true impact that this "list" made on me.  Not because I want anyone to feel bad for me or frustrated with me or feel like they need to get me out or do something... 

It's for this: late a couple nights ago I was doing my last Instagram check of the night (I'm a little obsessed) and I see a photo of a child's birthday list.  I just barely glance at it and am about to move on when I see "Metalsgirl".  The second thing on the list:

 "Metalsgirl flower ring in midnight blue" 

I instantly felt tears sting my eyes.  Then I read the caption.  One of my loveliest of lovely customers who I've never met in person but I feel like I know her...her precious daughter requested a ring made by me.  I can't explain it...I felt like I was officially IT!  Like I had arrived.  I made it!  

And there in that instant I felt happy.  a to my core happy that I have not felt...well, not in 22 weeks.  The undercurrent of ugg was gone for a moment and I just felt happy.  And I recognized it and wanted to cling to it.

I don't know how to articulate exactly why being on this birthday wish list gave me this tremendous relief from the constant dull ache I've had...all of you makers of things out there, do you get it?  Why being on a child's list is way cooler than being on an adults list?  Cause it totally is!  I mean wouldn't we all rather be cool in the eyes of a child than an adult's?  

I can't explain it, but I feel like Alabama Worley just whispered in my ear "You're so cool."

So, you can bet your bottom dollar that I'm gonna be making a flower ring in midnight blue just about any minute now!

tears, super powers, and how is it already October!

Oh my goodness.  I'm just not sure how it is already October.  It's still so warm here in the heart of Texas that you wouldn't know fall was rolling in, the days are still long, the nights are hot...it just cannot be October.  Yet if I keep pretending then I will find myself so dreadfully behind I may not recover!  And so I think I am going to do something very fall-ish tonight like bake gingerbread!  There is not much better than hot out of the oven gingerbread with a healthy pat of butter.  Mmmmmm...

In my (former) continued effort to keep fall at bay I have been spending hours making large, honey-pie pieces of jewelry that I am just giggly over.  What I should be doing is tackling that list of inventory for all the upcoming holiday shows.  Those sterling bangles are not gonna make themselves!!  Unfortunately.  Below is an example of one of my new little (not-so-little) goody goody gumdrops!  It's big.  I mean real big.  I picture it on the finger of one of the Justice League.  Wonder Woman maybe?  I have four of these vintage lucite pieces and I want to have them each represent a perceived super power...as if you could wrap up every bit what you need or have lost or are lacking or the insecurity you have about ________! and tuck it into this bad boy and it would become your SUPERPOWER! instead of a fear or a weakness.  Okay, for example, I'll give you mine: trust.  Mine would be trust.

This one is all about COURAGE.  

Courage to move forward.  

Courage to let go.  

Courage to face your fears.  

Courage to live a life that is full and well participated.  

Courage to hope.  Courage to try.  

Courage to give it everything even if you fail.  

Courage to dream the big dream.  Courage to say how you feel.  

Courage to be only what you are and nothing of what you aren't.  

Courage to grip tight to what you love fiercely.  Courage to go on if you have to...  

It's a lot of pressure on this little (not-so-little) ring.  But I think he's up to the task.

You might think I'm a little ring heavy these days.  I am.  Not gonna lie.  But I say make it while you feel it!  Right?  This ring came from a sketch or ten of teardrops and raindrops.  I was thinking that sounded pretty sad when a friend commented on how cleansing both of those are so I don't feel quite so sad about this ring's humble beginnings anymore. (Thank you Mara!). This ring also evolved from my big off roundish ring, a ring I've been making for years in every color in the proverbial rainbow.  I still adore that ring but I think it's also fun to have a new jewel at the party.

I'm not sure if it's the shape or the color but this ring feels sooooo uber modern!  And the odd thing is that I generally don't love modern even a teeny tiny bit.  But I'm mad about this ring.  It's clean and bold but I think the shape does give it a soft side with a little story to tell.

So, that's what I've been up to.  That and taking care of dogs, baking molasses cookies, planning a kitchen gut job (that has my anxiety at full tilt!), planning for the holiday show madness even tho I stand by my denial that it can be month ten!  What have you been up to?

>>>>>>>  addendum  <<<<<<<

Tom pointed out that it seems I don't like Fall.  But that could not be further from the truth!  Fall is my favoritest favorite time of year!  I just can't believe its hear already.  I mean, it feels like Christmas 2012 JUST happened.  I am thrilled to say goodbye to summer, its just that I need to eek out about two more months of time before the holidays hit...  

I love fall.